?

Log in

No account? Create an account
God, I can't believe I'm even making this post. - I looked around, I stood alone, I knew what I had to say... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Tray Dawg

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

God, I can't believe I'm even making this post. [Oct. 8th, 2008|01:04 pm]
Tray Dawg
This post is definitely a new level of pathetic for me.

So basically if you are not in TQC this post will not make a whole lot of sense but I'm too lazy to make like a TQC filter. Basically what I want to know is, how long have I been like this? I don't even know how it happened. I blame cabin fever, I blame not having a job and hating myself, I blame stupid people for being stupid, and I really do blame myself, I just don't know how it happened.

And more importantly, how do I make it stop?

This drivel brought to you by a combination of someone unfriending me and the comments in this post.
LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: imaria
2008-10-08 05:19 pm (UTC)
I don't now how long, but I know you weren't always so... angry?

What it seems is that you've lost empathy with the people you talk to online. Some of those people, to be fair, deserve it. But when you get angry at someone, you now immediately strike out rather than even considering if there might be a better way to solve the problem.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: bellapalmera
2008-10-08 05:32 pm (UTC)
What does "immediately strike out" mean?
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: imaria
2008-10-08 05:39 pm (UTC)
When someone makes you unhappy in any way, you go straight to attacking back, assuming they deserve to be attacked. There is no consideration for "Was it a mistake?" "Will this help anything?"

In short... you have become very willing to hurt people.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: bellapalmera
2008-10-08 05:51 pm (UTC)
OK, thanks for clarifying. Now that I know what you mean, I... completely agree with you :(

Maybe it stems from how much I hate myself and how I can't really tell anyone about it IRL so I get it out of my system by hating strangers I'll never meet. I mean, some people are idiots, and I've never had a problem telling them that even when I wasn't so fucked up, but... ever since I made that post in aka_users, I got a lot of straight up hate for it that I wasn't expecting. (Had I known how serious the matter was, I [A]wouldn't have done it in the first place, or [B]Would have expected the level of hate that I got, which would have subsequently led to [A].) So at this point I kind of just assume everyone in TQC hates my guts and that doesn't help.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: imaria
2008-10-08 05:58 pm (UTC)
Nothing is a lost cause.

...but it might help to openly apologize. Your... shamelessness/pride over that is what I think rankled people the most. It's not just that you did it; it's that you continually affirmed you did the right thing.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: bellapalmera
2008-10-08 06:31 pm (UTC)
The one thing I've found interesting about the whole situation is that the person involved has never said a word to me and is her normal cheery self to me. (Unless she is anonyhating me, lol, but that doesn't seem her style.) I am NOT saying that makes it better, just making an observation.

Here is my official stance on that: I'm sorry for any pain and suffering that I may have caused anyone, and I'm sorry for some of my intentions in making the post in the first place. I still haven't decided if I'm sorry for actually doing it. Also, there is a difference between saying what I did was "right", and saying what I did was "not wrong". I did the latter.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: imaria
2008-10-08 06:58 pm (UTC)
She doesn't hold hate, no. I think she has gained an almost zen-like ability to overlook things by this point. But yeah, other people are not quite as forgiving. It's not even as much on her behalf, and more as a reaction to the type of character those actions portray.

Might I ask why you are NOT sorry about it? I just admit I am confused as to your feelings on the matter. Why DID you do it?
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: bellapalmera
2008-10-08 07:02 pm (UTC)
I'll PM you re: this.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: conflabit
2008-10-08 05:24 pm (UTC)
imaria is in the line of what I was thinking.

To be quite honest it's been making me rather uncomfortable. I don't know how to make it stop, because I'm not you, short of just willing it to stop.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: bellapalmera
2008-10-08 05:35 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry. I appreciate you telling me that though.

Gah, no matter how I worded that, it won't come out right.

Edited at 2008-10-08 05:36 pm (UTC)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: conflabit
2008-10-08 05:36 pm (UTC)
It's okay. I pretty well get it.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: eissak
2008-10-10 05:28 am (UTC)
I don't know. A lot of others have known you longer than I have so I can't say when it started. I know that you know that you are a blunt person. That is a great thing about you.

I don't know how to word the rest correctly but I just want to say I haven't been affected or offended by anything you've said.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: bellapalmera
2008-10-10 06:04 am (UTC)
I think that may be the problem. My biggest offense was something I did that was your idea; and while I don't blame you in any way for that (only I can be held responsible for my own actions - nobody held a gun to my head and said "make that post"), the fact that it was something you support causes me no surprise that I haven't offended you. Of course, you've been scarce on the internet lately and probably missed a lot, it's just that ever since then I've gotten A LOT of hate from people and between that and hating myself due to other circumstances in my life, I've partially been defending my own name, and partially been taking my life out on the internet because it's really the only outlet I have.

I think you know that I originally didn't like you (the "why is cherrybaby a bitch" post), and now I am in a boat where people don't like me for the same reasons that I did not originally like you. Only I've been more proactive about it and apparently not in the good way, and as a result people just straight up hate my ass. But I am going to step back from chat and anon for now. I've gotten too emotionally invested in the TQC-subculture (it's really sad that a Livejournal community even has its own subculture) to be as involved in it as I've been.

I hope you're not offended by these comments because I really just said the things I said in terms of relating to you, and not towards my overall opinion of you as a person.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)